Q2 2007 summary

It seems like I haven't written in ages. And when I look through my posts, I find that it is true that I have been absent at best. But if I go through the unpublished posts, then I see some posts, or notes-to-self for key events and thoughts that I want to remember when I'm older.

I'm trying to get used to writing again. Simply because it is too easy to slip back into silence. If I keep the silence, I will fall into the habit remaining secretive, not to writing, and with inertia, eventually my words, feelings may get bottled up within again, until I choke on my emotions.

It's funny... how so many things can change and yet not-change within slightly more than a month. The stillness and unchangingness of my work life slowly suffocates me. Life plods along at an achingly slow pace. And yet, events and emotions churn beneath the calm surface, but they churn without getting anywhere. My life is like a boat, tossed about by the turbulence in a child's bathtub. There's action, but no destination, or that's how it seems to me at least.

I'm going to do a a quick run-down of what I've been thinking about/what has happened to me that are significant, or that I wanted to write about:


> General thoughts
- Sarkozy winning the French election: very happy and hopeful
- Starbucks: it's campaign/effort to remain somewhat "local" (why I like it despite it being a big American brand)

> Firsts
- Venice: a watershed trip when I discovered new things about myself, and realised that in some respects, I have changed. I have decided to grow up, be a woman, and made a life style decision (ref: shopping, gondolier). also my thoughts on Venice (ref: tourist city, 60,000 regular residents, sleazy Italian men)
- my first ever concert: Pink Martini @Roundhouse, Camden Town

> Discovery
- that I was adopted: thought about not mentioning it here, because i didn't want to undermine the credibility of my parents, but hey, we're all adults, and while this is not a particularly important piece of news in the sense that it doesn't really make a difference because to me, my parents are still my parents; nonetheless it is a fundamental piece of information that I think my closest friends (who are the primary readers of this site) should know, so there you go.

> Love life
- started trying to date again. Went out with one boy twice, and intend to see him again, which will be a record first (otherwise, my record for seeing any boy in a romantic context, bar my Ex, is twice), although strictly speaking, the third time isn't really a date, because, sweet though he is, I've told him that this thing between us is not going anywhere, but I'm happy to meet up as friends to hang out (which is what we might do this Sunday)
- heard rumour (from CK) that the Ex has broken up and broken his bond and is trading in some bank, somewhere out in the world (where?? NYC? London??)
- Cavé has gotten back with his ex, so I'm depressed-ish, despairing etc. although increasingly i find myself wondering (on occasion) why I like him at all

Work
- started my job search in earnest this time. it's not very easy and somewhat depressing. I forgot how much I hated job-hunting and how stressful it was. the problem is i don't quite know what I want to do. all i know is that i want out now, almost no matter where. i need to find something i like to do, and almost anything else has a better chance of giving me happiness than what i do now, which i definitely know i don't like. and anything else means that i'll get Cavé out of my face

there's a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment, and while i'm not great at dealing with uncertainty, i'm learning to go with the flow. the biggest unknown i care most about and want to most quickly resolve right now is the job situation. i want to change it, in the belief and hope that once i change it, things will fall into place - my work motivation and general energy levels will improve, i will be more emotionally stable and maybe fall in love, i have sufficient job security to buy a place of my own.

admittedly, if i found a boy, it would solve a lot of my problems too: i will be happy enough in my love life not to care so deeply about work, i will be emotionally stable, i won't feel a need to buy a place asap.

but on balance, i think it's easier, more likely (and better for long term career planning) to get a job than a boyfriend, hence my pursuit of that route.

i Will find a job soon and Will change my job.